RTV(RangerTV)
by C.A. Turner
Summary: Welcome to another broadcast day on RangerTV...
1. Life With A Witch

Life with a Witch

**_DISCLAIMER: _**_The Rangers aren't mine. Saban has custody. The idea for this fic is from the tv classic Bewitched. Thanks to Space Ranger for the title._

LIFE WITH A WITCH by C.A. TURNER 

_  
  
Once upon a time there was a young girl, and a young boy. They kept running into each other(in an office building)... _

_...and into each other(in the entrance of a department store)... _

_...and into each other(in a restaurant). So, they decided to meet each other before somebody got hurt. As time went on, they discovered they had quite a lot in common. Like basketball games(kissing)... _

_...movies(Kissing again)... _

_...music(still kissing)... _

_...and television(once again, kissing). _

_Finally, they decided to get married. And went on a honeymoon. But... one thing this boy doesn't know...is that his new bride...is a witch._

*** *** *** *** 

Kimberly Hart-Oliver was brushing her hair(after she had the brush fly from the dresser to her hand), when three voices whispered "Hey, why didn't you invite us!" 

Kimberly turned in her chair and chuckled "Zack, Trini, Jason, I couldn't find you guys. Where were you?" 

Three people materialised in the room. Trini giggled "We took 1st, 2nd, & 6th in the Saturn to Neptune races. Jason was distracted by your cousin, Kat. 

"Yeah, he's been trying to wine & dine her since he first saw her. Getting back to this wedding, is it true? You married a mortal? Only one witch I know of who did that successfully is Samantha. She has 2 children with her husband, Darrin, I think." Zack told her. 

"Thank god at least you three got his name right. My aunt hates it when people get his name wrong. I'm glad you guys are here. I really want Tommy to meet you." Kimberly smiled. 

"We can't stay long, we have to get back. We just came to give you a red alert! On the subject of your cousin, she thinks you married a warlock, and is on her way here to stop him! Have you told him that you are...a witch?" Jason asked. 

"I've got a feeling it really doesn't matter to Tommy. He loves me, and that's that. I'll handle Kat. But I want all of you to meet him, he's wonderful. He'll love you guys. But hurry back, you've got a photo shoot." Kim told them. After hugs & kisses, the 3 disappeared. 

Within 2 minutes, another person appeared. In a strong Australian accent she started to shout "Who is this warlock that goes around putting spells on unsuspecting, innocent young witches? Where is the future frog? Come on, Kim, we'll have you out of his clutches in.." 

"Kat, he did not put a spell on me. I love him, ok?" 

"Well, if it is love, then I guess this warlock has to be special to... 

"Um, Kat? He's not a warlock. He's a mortal." Kim told her. 

**"A MORTAL?!?** That's even worse! They're all the same: nose to the grindstone, shoulder to the wheel, feet planted firmly on the ground. I bet when you tell him, he'll ask 'Where's your broomstick and your pointed hat?', stuff like that." 

"Tommy is not like that. I'm going to tell him...tonight." 

"Your call, cousin. Later." With that, Kat vanished. 

-Tommy isn't like most mortals, and I'm gonna prove it. I'm gonna tell him right now- Kim decided. She went into the suite and said "Tommy, there's something I have to tell you." 

"Sure. What is it?" Tommy asked rather calmly. 

"Well...the best way to tell you...is just to show you. How do you like a chocolate milkshake?" Kim asked. 

"Three scoops of chocolate ice cream, and a little chocolate milk. Really thick. What does..." Tommy started 

Kimberly twitched her nose...and in Tommy's left hand barely 2 seconds later, he had a chocolate milkshake in his hand. He didn't need much else. "_You're a WITCH!_" Tommy freaked. 

"Yes, I am a witch. A spell-casting, cauldron-stirring, broom-riding witch who truly loves you. What I am shouldn't make any difference, does it?" 

"God, no. But it is...strange. We will have to deal with this...later. right now..." Tommy finished this thought by turning off the light, and he and Kim got closer... 

*** *** *** *** 

_2 weeks later: _

Tommy was talking with an old friend Billy Cranston, who was going on about couples, while Tommy was trying to tell him why he was upset. As if he didn't hear him, Billy told him "Let me know if you need me, that's what friends are for. 'Bye, now. 

Tommy frowned. 

*** *** *** *** 

Tommy tried to talk about his situation to his doctor, Rockford DeSantos. "Dr., I just found out that my wife's a witch. 

Rocky said: "You asked for my advice, here it is; You've had the honeymoon, now you need a vacation." 

*** *** *** *** 

Cassie Chan, Tommy's secretary, listened as he told her, "My wife is a witch." 

Cassie's response: "It isn't really a thrill to deal with you some mornings, you know." 

*** *** *** *** 

Bartender Andros Cassidy listened as Tommy told him "My wife's a witch." 

"You're lucky. You ought to see MY wife." was Andros' reply. 

*** *** *** *** 

"I have been over it, and been over it, and all that I know is... I love you, witch or not. Nothing is going to change that." Tommy told Kimberly that night. 

"Tommy..." Kim started. 

"Now hold on. Being married to a advertising exec is hard enough and strange enough as it is without the witchcraft thrown in. I want us to be a nice, normal couple, no hocus-pocus." 

"Oh, Tommy, honest I'll try. And we will be a nice normal couple, no magical weirdness. Now, how about a milkshake?" Kim asked. 

"3 scoops of chocolate ice cream?" 

"Yup, and I'll make it myself." Kimberly affirmed. 

"_All_ by yourself." Tommy told her. Kim bent over and kissed him before she went into the kitchen. 

Tommy smiled happily to himself, then said out loud "So my wife's a witch. Every married couple has to make _some_ adjustments." 

*** *** *** *** 

The next day at Mitchell & Corbett, a rather well-dressed, cultured young woman came into Tommy Oliver's office. "Tommy, you naughty boy! I just heard. I ought to be angry, but that's what I get for leaving you alone for 2 months." The woman spoke. 

"Ashley! I meant to call and tell you, but..." Tommy started. 

"Really, Tommy, it's no problem at all! I would like to meet your new young bride tonight. I'm having a small, intimate get-together, nothing fancy. Both of you must simply be there." 

"Really, Ashley, that's truly kind of you. Kim & I will be there." 

*** *** *** *** 

But when Tommy & Kimberly arrived, it looked and felt like a very formal dinner. Both felt underdressed. 

Ashley appeared, in a very slinky, form fitting silver la`me party dress, and had Tommy sit next to her at the dinner table, while she put Kimberly at near the far end. Cattily, she called Kim, and asked "Are you familiar with Dr. Rosen?" 

"Dr. Rosen?" 

"Plastic surgeon. Does wonderful nosework." 

"NO. Why do you ask?" 

"I'm sorry. I could have sworn..." Ashley stammered. 

A friend of Ashley's, Carter Grayson, explained to Kim that Ashley seemed to be a little spoiled, had to have things her own way, and would never appear in public unless perfectly groomed. This would give Kim some much needed ammo in a few short minutes. 

After attacking her choice of dress, and her hair, Kim decided to take the high road where Ashley was concerned. 

"Tommy darling, you'll have to come with me to Monte Carlo for this purchase in a sportscar. You know, show me what to buy. Kim, dear, don't expect him home at the usual time." 

{I won't do it!} Kim whispered to herself. 

"There's also this new showing at the Ginza. Sorry again, Kimmie, dear." Ashley smiled. 

{I **WON'T!**} 

"Tommy, dear, do you still enjoy skinnydipping in the pool?" 

That did it. {Maybe I will.}Kim whispered to herself, and with one hand, reached up to smooth her hair. Barely one second later, a lock of Ashley's hair fell over her face. Kim did this 6 more times. Then, Kim touched a tongue to one of her teeth. A second later, one of Ashley's teeth seemed blacked out. A mirror happened to be there, and when she saw this, she grabbed a napkin, and tried to get rid of it, then tried to play it off, asking Tommy "Do you remember that painting we saw a couple of months ago?" 

Kim extended her right hand straight up, and moved it from right to left, causing a bowl of tomato soup to move in the direction of Ashley's elbow, which wound up in the soup. 

Putting a little pepper in her hand, and casually tossing it in Ashley's direction, Kim caused her to have a sneezing fit. Then, when a maid came over with an empty tray, Kim twitched her nose, and it was soon filled with delicious food. Ashley, still having a sneezing fit, tripped the maid, causing the food to spill onto her. Still sneezing, her dress came undone, and Ashley beat a rather hasty retreat to the staircase. 

-One final touch.- Kim thought to herself, then blew on the candle flame. The door opened, with this huge gust of wind, so strong it blew Ashley's wig off, showing she didn't have time to get her hair done. Dress still falling off, a humiliated Ashley ran upstairs. 

Everyone, including Tommy, was in shock, except for Kimberly. Her only response was "You know, this soup is delicious, when Ashley gets back downstairs, I simply must ask her for the recipe. 

Tommy stared at his new bride in shock. 

"It's good. It really is." Smiling at Tommy, she made a kissy face, and went back to her soup.

*** *** *** *** 

That night, Tommy & Kimberly entered the back of their apartment. "Now, Kim, I'm not saying you were wrong, Ashley deserved it, but..." 

"Kinda hard to tell which witch was which." 

"Kimberly..." 

"Just a play on words, sweetheart." 

"I know, and I understand, it's just that you promised, no more..." 

"Yeah, I know, no more stuff. This is harder to give up than I thought." 

Tommy reassured her "Well, you can do it. I have complete faith in you." Both started to kiss right in the kitchen, when Kim took a look and said "I've got to get this kitchen cleaned and put away." 

"Tomorrow." Tommy told her, nibbling on her ear. 

"You said that last night. I'll be up soon." Kim told him, then gave him a big kiss. 

"I'll be waiting." Tommy smiled, then went upstairs. 

She looked around the kitchen, dishes to be cleaned, items to be put away, a lot of things. "Oh, well." she said to herself, rose her hands up into the air, then twitching her nose, there was a poof of smoke, and when it cleared, the kitchen was clean. 

Smiling, Kimberly said to herself "Maybe I can taper off." then went upstairs to join Tommy. 

The End 

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	2. Three's Company

Three's Company

**_DISCLAIMER:_**_ Hi, welcome to another broadcast day of Ranger TV(RTV). They're not mine, Saban's got his hot little hands on them. The idea for this show is from Three's Company. That's not mine either. Here goes #2... _

THREE'S COMPANY by C.A. TURNER 

Kimberly Hart was trying to vacuum the living room of the apartment that she shared. The noise woke up one of her roomates, Trini Kwan. She pulled out the plug, and caused Kim to think the vacuum had broke down. 

Trini staggered over to the couch and sat down. "Please! Have a little respect for the dying!" She blurted out. 

"You're not dying." Kimberly patiently corrected. 

"I'm hoping to. Tell me something...that horrible girl..." 

"Uh-huh." 

"...who kept giggling, and trying to do a striptease..." 

"Uh-huh." 

"...that was me, wasn't it?" 

"Uh-huh." Kim finished. 

Trini promptly buried her face in her hands and moaned "Oh, no! Aisha must hate me! It was her wedding reception, and I ruined it!" 

"Trini, Aisha wasn't exactly in a position to notice. See, her labor pains started, and they rushed her off to the hospital. She had a baby girl, 7 lbs., 9oz.!" Kim cheered. 

Trini was also excited. She cheered, then had a twinge of hangover pain. "OOOOH!" 

"I hope the baby doesn't keep them awake on their honeymoon." Kim thought to herself. 

Trini took a look at herself in a portable mirror. Looking at her tongue, she turned to Kim, and whispered "Look at that." 

"Ugh. I think I'd rather take a bath!" Kim quickly frowned. 

As Kimberly went to the bathroom, Trini called after her "Well, it's your fault, you made the punch!" 

"There was nothing wrong with my punch!" Kim defended. 

"Oh, no? Then why did it turn the ladle _green_?" 

Kim started her bathwater as she yelled out the door "I dunno. Maybe it was the gin. Or the tequila. Or the vodka. Or...TRINI! There's a man in there!" 

"You wish!" 

"No kidding, there's a man in here, come on!" 

Both girls raced in and discovered a man in the tub. "What's he doing here?" Trini asked. 

Kim freaked. "Maybe he's a robber!" 

"Yeah, Kimberly. He came to steal our bathtub, and fell asleep on the job!" 

This caused the man to turn over in the tub, getting a faceful of water in the process. Any sleep he had left was gone, thus he jumped up, and found 2 girls staring at him. 

"Good evening." the man said, obviously embarressed. 

"Morning." Kim corrected. 

"Good lord, is it morning?" 

Trini took over. "Yes. And, if you don't mind a dumb question...who in the world are you?" 

"My name's Zack. Zack Taylor." 

"How did you wind up in our tub?" Kim asked. 

Zack got this blank look on his face. "I dunno. All I remember is that I had a glass of that horrible punch, and then everything went black." 

"And green." Trini finished. 

"We gave the party." Kim smiled. 

"I know. I was one of your guests. I came with a friend who knew one of the gatecrashers. Anyway, I'd better go." Zack started. 

"You can't go like that, you're all soaking wet. Let us dry your clothes for you, at least." Kim asked. 

"All right." 

Kimberly was getting Zack's clothes from him while he was still in the bathroom. "Ok, shirt, pants, underwear, socks, jacket. Anything else?" 

"Only things that don't come off!" Zack called. 

Trini tossed him a rather frilly robe. "Here you go." 

"This is awful!" 

"Aisha thought so, too, that's why she left it." Trini replied. 

"Aw, no!" 

Kim told him "It's the only thing we have that will fit you." 

"Alright." In 1 minute, Zack stepped out into the living room wearing the robe, sending Kim & Trini into fits of giggles. "Well, Kim, what do you think?" Trini asked. 

Kim replied "I dunno, I'm used to seeing it pregnant!" 

Trini broke up the minigigglefest by saying "I'll fix breakfast." 

Zack told them "Man, I need to shave!" 

"I can help you with that! Come on." Kim told him, and led him back into the bathroom, and gave him a Lady Schick razor. On seeing the look Zack gave her, she answered "I have a very light beard." 

While Zack was still shaving, Kim was helping Trini make breakfast. Trini looked over. "Wow, you really loused up that toast!" 

"It's not my fault, Aisha didn't leave the recipe! How're the eggs, are they ready?" Kim asked. 

"Oh, they're ready, alright...for the garbage pail!" 

Zack walked in. "Something smells good." 

Trini smiled "Breakfast...and you're just in time." 

"Mind if I eat in my boots?" Zack asked. 

"I rather you ate off the table." Kim told him. 

Breakfast was served. Zack looked at his plate, and his hosts, his face asking "My god, what is this?" 

Seeing his face, Trini was embarresed. "They started out as eggs." 

Zack put on a large smile. "Well, I'm sure it's delicious." 

Kimberly looked at him, and said "Optimist!" That got her a whack on the arm from Trini. 

Zack took a bite. The next look on his face said it all, but he still said "This is..._horrible!_" 

Kimberly frowned "I suppose you can do better?" 

Taking this as a challenge, Zack got up and said "The proof will be in the eating, let's see what you've got here." Walking over to the fridge, he took stock. "Eggs, bacon, mushrooms, cheese, that should do." 

"What are you making" Kim asked. 

"Mushroom & Cheese omelettes with a side of bacon & hash browns. Can you scramble an egg?" Zack asked. 

"I dunno, Aisha did all of the cooking." 

"Right. I'll also need a heaping teaspoon of wine, if you have it." 

Trini grinned. "You got it, all that wine from the party!" She then raced for the living room, then stopped and asked "Does it have to be one color?" 

"It helps." 

As Trini was pouring wine back into a bottle, there was a knock from the front door. Mrs. Mitchell was there, and she asked Trini to please keep it down next time. "Will keeps griping 'I don't want any loud noises, or hankypanky in my house!' He's probably the only person who thinks Queen Victoria was a swinger!" 

Zack walked in at that time. "Trini, what would you like in your omlet?" 

"Cheese & mushrooms, thanks." Zack walked back into the kitchen. Trini then realised that Mrs. Mitchell was still standing there. "Who...?" she started. 

"Uh...girlfriend spent the night last night?" 

"Now, wait a minute..." 

Trini gently gave Mrs. Mitchell the bum's rush, saying "She looks god-awful without makeup, doesn't she? Anyway, we promise to keep it down from now on!" Trini quickly closed the door, and leaned against it, sighing. 

An hour later, Trini & Kimberly were showing the apartment to one Kendrix Morgan. She basically drove them crazy with the way she acted. "Basically, when I'm not at work, I'll be chinwagging with you gals." 

Kim whispered to Trini {Oh, brother!} then said "Well, this is the kitchen, where we chin our wags. This is Zack Taylor. We just met him this morning, we found him in our bathtub." Zack's clothes had dried, except for his shirt, and he was basically topless except for his jacket, still making breakfast. 

Kendrix was stunned, then said, as she walked back out into the living room "I found a spider in the bathtub, once. I just screamed, put the plug in the drain, and it's been there ever since. 

It was now Trini's turn to whisper. {Good grief!, please let there be someone else!} She then spoke "Kendrix..." 

"All my friends call me Kissyface." 

Kim gave Trini a disgusted look. {I am NOT calling a grown woman Kissyface!} she whispered. 

{Me neither!} "Uh, Kendrix...we have a LOT of other people looking at this apartment." 

{We do?} 

{There better be!} 

At this point, William Mitchell, the landlord, barged in. Trini spoke, "This is our landlord, Mr. Mitchell!" 

Kendrix spoke pleasantly "How do you do, I was just telling the girls that this looks like a..." 

"TAKE OFF THOSE CLOTHES, YOU PHONY!" 

"Excuse me?" 

"'Excuse me.' Doesn't even sound like a woman!" He then started poking her chest, yelling "Anyone can see that those aren't real! They're..." He, of course, found out that they were real. "Oh, my god!" 

"YOU HORRIBLE MAN!" Kendrix screamed, whacking him with her purse." 

"I'm sorry, it's just that they didn't look real!" Mitchell stammered. Kendrix started to whack him again. "Not that! I meant... I..." he kept stumbling over his words as he went to the front door. "I...I...Oh, my god!" he mumbled, as he ran out the door." 

A completely flustered Kendrix looked at Kimberly & Trini, totally shocked. "He touched my bosoms!" 

"Is he getting enough Geritol?" Kim asked her roomate. 

As she went for the door, Kendrix said "I'm sorry, I just couldn't live with...I just couldn't live in a house with a man, I... Oh...** HE DIDN'T EVEN SAY PLEASE!** she yelled, as she went out the door, slamming it behind her. 

Pleased, the 2 gave a phony 'Aww' snap. Zack called from the kitchen "Breakfast is ready." Both girls went into the kitchen. 

A true gentleman, Zack held out the chairs for both girls, and served them both first, telling them "I'm taking Culinary Arts classes at L.A. Technical college. You are looking at the Galloping Gourmet of 2002." 

"Wow, it takes that long?" Trini asked. 

"Of couse. You have to trot before you can gallop. Wait a minute, who said that? Anyway, I hope to open a restaurant for people who can truly apprieciate high prices." 

Kim & Trini each took a bite...and were blown away by the taste. "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" both girls spoke up. 

Zack grinned. "I'm glad you like it, I don't get much of a chance to practice where I live at, unless I get enough for a place of my own, or move in with someone." 

Kimberly got this look on her face. She turned to Trini and asked "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" 

"I think so." 

Kim then turned to Zack. "We were wondering if you'd like..." 

"I like it already." 

Trini took over the conversation. "Hold it a minute, we'll be right back." then both took their breakfasts, and walked into the living room. 

"Hold it, Kim! Now, let's weigh out the pluses & minuses... 

"1: He is a terrific cook! Both: "PLUS!" 

"2: He would be great protection around the house. Both: "PLUS!" 

"3: He is very good looking. Kimberly spoke up "Plus!", but Trini said "Minus!" 

"What?" 

"Minus. You saw the way he looked at you. I know you, Kim, you have a very low melting point." 

"Yeah. But with Zack, I'll be strong." 

"Sorry, Kim, but you know what the answer has to be." 

"Yeah. You'll have to be strong for the both of us!" 

"WHAT?!?" 

Zack couldn't believe his ears. "You want me to move in with you?" 

Trini told him "At least think about it." 

"OK, I'll think about it." He then took a quick look at Kimberly. "I'll take it." 

"Just so you know..." Trini quickly grabbed him and said "...that is your room, this is ours. One false move, and we take you straight to the vet!" 

"OK." 

"And you can move in about anytime." Kimberly told him just as the doorbell rang. She answered it, and Mr & Mrs. Mitchell were standing there. "That's not the one." Mitchell told his wife. 

"These are our landlords, Mr. & Mrs. William Mitchell." Trini told him. 

"It's a pleasure to meet you, sir..." Zack started. 

"Nice to...wait a minute. I'm sorry. 1 guy & 2 girls living together? I don't allow that here. 

"It'll be strictly platonic." 

"I...what do you mean,'platonic'?" Mitchell asked. 

"Like you and me, William." Mrs Mitchell spoke up. 

"Even so, you can't move in here." 

"I guess that's all there is to say on the subject." Zack spoke up, and returned to the kitchen, Kimberly quickly following him. 

"I can't believe him! We're in the 21st Century, and he's still living in the Victorian age! I have half a mind to let him have it!" Zack frowned. 

"Go for it." Kimberly told him. 

"You wouldn't mind? 

"Mind? I'd love it. Let's go." Both walked out of the kitchen, where Zack started to say "Mr. Mitchell, I wouldn't live under your roof for all the tea in England, and..." That was as far as he had gotten. 

"It's ok. Trini filled us in. You can stay." Mitchell told him. 

"And we hope you'll be very happy here." Mrs. Mitchell told him as they walked out the door. 

Zack & Kimberly were amazed. "How did you do that?" Kim stammered. 

"Well, I just told them that Zack was a decent, hard working young man, and there would be no trouble in his living here." Trini spoke. 

"And that did it?" Zack asked. 

"Um, not exactly. You see...I also told them that you were gay." 

**_"YOU TOLD THEM WHAT?!?!" _**

"It's really good to have you here!" Trini said, wisely changing the subject. Zack, Trini, & Kimberly smiled, and the girls showed their new roomate the place. 

The End 

  



	3. Married...With Children

DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Saban. Columbia Pictures Television. And Now, without further ado... 

MARRIED...WITH CHILDREN   
by C.A. TURNER 

Jason Lee Bundy was ticked off, as usual. His wife, Ashley, wanted sex, but wasn't gonna get any until she at least cooked dinner, which she never did. His kids were nothing to brag about either: Kat was the neighborhood harlot, and his son Justin was a sneak thief of the highest order. His neighbors, Cassie & Andros Rhodes, loved to come over and flaunt in their faces about how much better their lives were. Or, usually were. Today, Cassie was crying over the death of her aunt, and Andros was disgusted because her $82 million inheritance went to her 9 cats. "Damn neuveau cats!" he snarled. 

Today, however, Jason has reason to smile. "Tomorrow, we're gonna have a Labor Day cookout at home!" 

Grumbling ensued. 

"Shut up, this is my day. A day for the working man. Not Leech Day, that's Christmas. Not Parasite Day, that's Valentine's Day. So, tomorrow, unless, god willing, I die in my sleep, I get up, for _me, _and celebrate for _me!_ Tomorrow is Jason Lee BunDay! 

The next day, Jason was lounging out on the back porch, singing Queen's _Another One Bites The Dust_, when Ashley came up with a bucket full of soapy water and a scrubrush. "Owww, this is heavy, you wanna give me a hand?" Ashley moaned. 

Jason applauded. 

Sarcasm iced what she said next. "Thanks, Jace, I can take it from here." 

"Ashley, you know I gotta save my energy if you expect sex tonight." 

"_SEX_ tonight? I feel nauseous, queasy, and tired. It's like I already had sex with you. So, just forget about tonight. When this day ends, I am going upstairs and sleep for a week! My arms ache, my legs ache, my back is killing me! GOD! You know, I could die from this!" While she was saying this, she was cleaning the picnic table, and turning Jason on, somehow. Jason walked over, and tapped Ashley on the shoulder. 

Ashley looked at him in disgust. "Alright, now what other dirty, filthy thing you want me to do?" 

Jason got this perverted look in his eyes. 

Ashley's look turned to that of horror. "Oh, no! But, I'm so tired!" She protested as Jason took her right there on the table. 

"I HATE YOU JASON! I really, really hate you!" Ashley snapped. She was cleaning the picnic table again after they had their fling on it. 

"You know," she snarled "...a gentleman would have said 'Thanks for the good time, babe. How about letting me clean that bird doody while you rest.' But not you! You are a pig, Jason! And my arms are killing me!" 

Jason was still watching her, Ashley's hips twisting as she moved. "Scrub harder." was all he said. 

"It still won't come off. Somebody help me." Ashley then yelled at Jason once again "Don't just sit there, do something!" 

Jason was about to do something. He walked up to Ashley, tapped her on the shoulder, and had that same look as before. 

Ashley got this terrified look on her face. "Oh, no, no, I'm so tired, nooooo!" 

Ashley was now lying on the picnic table weakly whispering {water} 

An extremely happy Jason walked back out singing _Another One Bites The Dust_, then smiled, "Hey, babe!" 

Ashley choked out "water." 

"No time for that now, Ash, gotta get ready for the barbecue, oh, by the way, don't clean my grill." Jason told her. 

"It's filthy, Jase. Don't you want me to lick it clean so we can have sex again?" 

Jason told her "No. I like it just the way it is, last year's grease on the grill, last year's ashes inside the grill, that's what makes the Bundyburger so special. I'm gonna go get ready, and would you mind cleaning that spot where your hair got caught on that nail? I feel good, don't you?" he said, laughing as he went inside. 

Ashley snarled to herself "I HATE labor day! The jury's still out on barbecues! And I HATE buzzards circling while I'm having sex!" Walking back to get the bucket, she accidentally knocked over the grill, ashes scattering everywhere. 

"OH, NO! HE'S GONNA KILL ME! Where-where am I gonna get ashes?" Ashley freaked. She then unwrapped a entire pacet of cigarettes, lit them all, and crouched over the reset grill, smoking into it, just as Kat & Justin came home with essentials for their BBQ. 

Justin looked at Kat. "She's turning into grandma before our very eyes." 

Ashley looked at her children. "Kids, mommy needs a little help. You see, I knocked over daddy's grill, and lost his ashes." This brought gasps of horror from both of them. 

Kat spoke then "I guess you're out of here then, huh, mom? Justin, you're the woman of the house now!" she said, draping an arm over her brother. 

"I don't think it's gonna come to that. You see, we have one thing in our favor. Every other family in the neighborhood is having a good time away from home, except us. That means, it's open season on their houses. S I want you to check grills, ovens, & fireplaces for ashes. Oh, and whoever goes over to the DeSantos' house, bring me a Dr. Pepper. Hurry up!" Ashley said, sending the 2 away again. She then looked into the sky screaming "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" 

Jason called from the house "I can!" Then in singsong voice, he said _"Come to Daddy!"_

Ashley entered the house, weeping as she did. 

**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!**

Both Kat & Justin had just returned, when Ashley came out of the house, a mess, and embarressed, finally managing to say "I hate Labor Day SO MUCH! You get the ashes?" 

"Piece of cake. You know, you can learn a lot about someone by going through their house. You know, Leo Corbett, who lives down the block? He must be a real Ladies' man. He's a bachelor, but his entire closet is full of women's clothing." Justin announced. 

Kat looked at her mother. "Pretty fancy thinking for a guy with no social life, huh, mom?" 

Andros & Cassie walked in then. Andros spoke "Well, we got the groceries. Thanks so much for inviting us and making us pay for it. I still have $5.00 if you need to get the fire going." 

Cassie spoke up then "Andros, before we eat, I'm just gonna check on Aunt Tuney..." 

"Cassie, she's gone. Dead. Fried. Dust. Paying sailors in hell!" Andros shouted. 

"You know, Aunt Tuney never liked you!" 

"She didn't like anything that didn't rub it's face back and forth across her pot belly!" 

Kat quickly interruped "Where's dad?" 

Ashley told her "He's getting ready, honey, and you know what that means. 

Inside, you could hear _'Bad To The Bone'_ as Jason got ready to cook on the grill. Oven mitt, chef's hat, tongs, spatulas, and an apron, which simply said how he felt about his life... 

KISS THE COOK, KILL THE WIFE!

Then, with this predatory look in his eye, he said "Let's cook." 

Finally, Jason came out, ready to do business. 

Andros looked relieved. "Finally. We can eat." 

Ashley corrected him "Not just yet." 

Jason began to speak "Labor Day: Just what does it mean to us? You see, kids, while the cavewoman sat around getting fat, watching the _Phil Java Man_ show, the caveman, braved the elements, risking life & limb..." 

"...upon the prehistoric beasts, which with he supported his family..." 

"...in 1492, Columbus brought Labor Day to America..." 

-When will daddy STOP!- Kat thought to herself. 

"...AND THE WOMEN STILL DID NOTHING!" 

Cassie's head popped up in anger. 

"...and that's what Labor Day means to me!" Jason finally finished. 

Andros frowned "May we EAT now?" 

"Not quite yet." Jason corrected. 

"What other torture can he possibly inflict on us?" Cassie growled. 

_"O'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave!"_ Ashley sang, offkey because her throat was still dry. 

Jason announced "And the burgers take the field!" Turning to Andros, he said "In exactly 11 minutes & 7 seconds, you're gonna sink your teeth into the best burger they ever yanked out of a cow!" 

Andros told him "Ooh, Jase, you make it sound so good! But Cassie & I rarely eat red meat, so would you mind fixing this salmon I got?" 

"A pleasure." Jason told him. Then, while Andros looked away, walking back to Cassie, he tossed it over the fence. -No fish will ever touch MY grill!- Jason thought to himself. 

Ashley was having a hard time opening the ketchup. Jason saw her, and walked over, smiling as he said "We've still got 2 minutes before I have to turn the burgers. Come on, Ash, this is your lucky day!" 

Ashley quickly opened it, shouting "It's open, Jase, really, it's open! And it wasn't hard at all! 

Just as Jason took her into the living room, she screamed "OH, GOD!" 

Jason began serving everyone. Andros asked "What happened to my fish?" 

Jason quickly lied "It fell on the ground, eat up!" Turning to his kids, he asked, "Well?" 

Justin told him "The greatest, dad!" 

Kat simply said "Delicious!" 

Jason looked at his wife. "Ashley?" 

Ashley began to weep, walking into the house. Jason quickly said, "No, no, not that, I was asking, how's your burger?" 

Ashley got this defiant look on her face, and said "I know what you want, you want me to say that it's tough & chewy, so that you can have your way again. Well, it's not! It's light, and fluffy, and melts in my mouth! HAH!" 

Jason asked Andros "How's your burger?" 

You know, I hate to admit it, but this is the best burger I ever had, what's your secret?" 

"I sneak down to the nudie bar twice a month in order to make it through life." 

"No, Jase, I meant your burgers?" Andros recanted. 

"Oh, you see, I never clean my grill. Ashes from the past, for burgers of the future." Turning to Cassie, he said "You're not eating anything?" 

Cassie shouted "How can I eat with you talking about ashes? It just makes me think about my poor Aunt Tuney, sitting upon the fireplace in her little urn." 

Upon hearing this, Justin dropped his burger. "Excuse me, but, what did you say was in the little urn above your fireplace?" 

"The ashes of my dead aunt." was all Cassie would say, which triggered warning bells for Justin, spitting up his burger, and scraping off his tongue. Justin then looked at Kat, and then waking her up, whispered, {KAT!} 

"MMMMMMMMMMPPPPHHHHH! 

Justin quickly repeated it for Kat, who spit up hers, grabbed a gallon jug of water, took a healthy swig, and spit it up over the neighbor's fence 

"MOM!!" Kat told her, and revealed all to her. Ashley then spit the burger out of her mouth, gagging as she did so. Looking at Justin with that _-I'm gonna kill you, you are so DEAD!-_ reading, Ashley began to chase Justin 

Kat whispered to Andros, who got this smile on his face, and happily sank his teeth into his burger. 

Jason finally turned to Cassie. "Come on, Cass, you're not eating anything, take a bite, you'll love it!" 

Andros started "Cassie..." 

"SHUT UP", GHOUL!" 

"Alrighty." Andros said, as Cassie began to eat. 

"Hey, this isn't bad. This is pretty good. Jason, I hate to be a party poop, it's just that I loved my aunt very much." Cassie took another bite. "This is delicious! But my aunt Tuney meant so much to me." 

Jason consoled her "I understand, but sometimes we just have to put the dead behind us." 

While they were talking, Andros & Kat retrieved whatever ashes they could from the grill. 

Jason & Cassie were still talking. "You know, Aunt Tuney loved a good BBQ. I only wish she could be with us right now." 

Jason told her "If it's any consolation, Cass, I'm sure she's here in spirit." He quickly spit out a bone, and added "But, if she were here, I'm sure she'd be saying what we're saying now: These are the best burgers this side of heaven!" 

As Jason & Cassie enjoyed the food, Andros & Kat retrieved more ashes, and Ashley had caught Justin, and was strangling him. 

THE END 


End file.
